Postmodern Trauma - So far so good?

A month into my thankful and appreciative "third-time lucky" post. I am perhaps half-way into my third new draft. Maybe i'm a little more than halfway, but the story keeps growing in my head and it gets longer and longer so maybe i'm a little less than halfway!

I have more or less put in some big pieces about the story of Millie - the real person, and now I'm working on/in the dream-world. Feeling like i'm getting lost in this world that's in Millie's head.

Something like this happened to me the last time I escaped to Xanadu (my 1 week writing retreat). I emerged from the hibernation feeling alienated from my real world and it took me a few days to get used to going back to my previous routine.

The current version of my story is... much more complicated than the first version. It is rich in symbolism and references. And it requires me to do a lot of research and learn things that i didn't know before. Surely what i'm learning and thinking will affect me fundamentally and chemically. I shouldn't be emerging from this cocoon to become who I used to be? I'm not insinuating that i'm going to be as graceful as a butterfly, but lots of things come out of cocoons. Like...cicadas.

Okay.

Now the challenge is time.

A dear and concerned friend consoled me, and told me to take a break, change my pace, that I shouldn't be made to feel like i need to churn it out like that. Sometimes I'm afraid of burning out too. But I am running out of time. 1 more month until the end of NPL. I've already asked for extension from NAC for my draft.

Even if I finish drafting, i don't know how am I going to finish editing in time.

haha.

My reply to my dear friend was with blind optimism - "can one, i can do this. I'm a product of this churning system so i can churn this out." somemore my book is about churning.

The only thing is, for me, it is difficult to write what I write when I don't have enough sleep - so I can't burn the midnight oil. Tsk.

Sometimes I imagine someone asking me "How do you come up with things like that?"
and I will be honest and reply, "because i'm crazy."
"Why did you want to write a book like this?"
"I can't explain it, my craziness compels me to do crazy things. Writing it all down is the least destructive thing I can do already."

And I haven't started with editing. Editing would be sure to drive me even more crazy - like adding fuel to fire. hahaha!

Obliques

I am finally on the no-pay-leave from work. It lasts from 1 Apr to 30 Jun. During which i must finish my draft for millie. Ideally, it should have begun from March, to meet the timeline i previously set. This means, I've been waking up everyday feeling pressure. From the passing of time.

Just from the passing of time.

hm.

The problem with writing, is that there can't be too much stress. Too contrived - the work gets.

SO, I shall try to take it easy. and forget about the timeline.

That's partially why I haven't really been on the M project, but I have spent the last week, re-arranging (de-frag-ging) my thoughts and sentiments. Tried not to think about work. Tried to summarise what work was like for the past 2 years and what impact it had on me generally. And tried not to begin my sentences with a verb, and silent "I".

Also, wrote a lot of other things. I have this thing, this technique that i have to spend myself writing non-stop for days then my pen and thoughts - or my thoughts wld directly transfer to the written word - without going through my pre-frontal lobe? or the thoughts come from my pre-frontal lobe directly to my hand to put it out?

Oh whatever, I forget by anatomy and lobotomy.

It's just some secret technique that I use, that works for me and i'm proud of it, but maybe it's not v interesting to write about since i know it. would I forget it one day? haven't forgotten for 5 years. around. so it should continue to work - until i forget to practice it?

enough.

this should be enough to remind me of it anyway.

Summarising the effect of working for 2 years straight:

1) the invincible invisible pressure of completing things by datelines. Actually there's no datelines to life. I feel that i still need to accomplishing certain things by certain time. why? i dunno why.

2) opportunity cost? the neuron connection or learning that i need to unlearn is to measure opportunity costs by a quantifiable measure - or monetary costs. This is wrong. A taboo trade-off. It should not be measured. measures helps to communicate/translates the value of one thing, by approximating it into something else. a standard. It's not really the value of one thing at all. e.g. what's the value of a table? $100? No. that's a price perhaps. The value of the table is a relationship between user and the table. So, it depends on the user and the table.

What's the length of the table? 2 metres? No. the length of the table is actually how long it is. the value of the length is how much things you want to put on it. again, depends on the user, perhaps.

so, what's the cost of my no-pay-leave per day? $(gross monthly + employer CPF)/ days in a month? No. that's just daily wage. It's the value of things i would do if I were working (which includes earning daily wage and the things I could do with the daily wage)

But what's the opportunity cost of working/day? it's the value of the things I would do if I were not working?

I think maybe working is not the default state. The blank slate. The blank slate, or zero, is not doing anything. So, working was a 0+1. Not working returns me back to 0. writing is a +1 again. Doing what other people do is a +1. it's a choice exercised to plus that one.

What's my point? maybe I have no point.
Or my point is that i am changed, and worried about making choices and worried about money, and worried about not doing what other people are doing. Is it because i'm growing up? or i've learnt fear? like a babe learns to be afraid of being close to knives or cockroaches from how the adults reacts to knives and cockroaches. But maybe that's not due to work or NPL, but due to realisation that life is short and unpredictable (japan quake) and approaching 30.
But maybe I have no point.

3) I think in obliques. or the slash. In my head, i don't say or anymore. like, louis likes daisy, donald and or susan. with an awkward pause between and and or, to denote a mental slash. I attribute that to work emails. why do we do that at work emails? may people feel safer when they get more options. You may/can/will do this or that, please consult Ms A/ Ms B / Mr C for this/that. Something like this/that.

Maybe i feel better giving more options.

4) Mellow. I'm less excitable, more mellow. is that the right use of the word?

5) Health. I'm more concerned about my health nowadays.

this is getting boring.

Back to Millie project. though i said I haven't been on the project, I have been recuperating from work and then this morning/noon, i wrote a not bad portion. so thats' good. and the ideas from my writing the past week can also be incorporated into the book. I have the most interesting ideas when I'm not consciously thinking.

It comes from a mad side of my pre-frontal cortex. most probs.

Last night, though, i dreamt of going back to work to get something done. It's from a dunno what side of my brain most probs - that i've been trying to de-frag.

Where is Mr Goon? - the ACF 2010 announcements

Maybe people who make more important things happen will laugh at how I'm getting thrills being mentioned here and there for receiving the Arts Creation Fund (ACF) grant.

And the mentions aren't even really about the quality of my work. It's about my potential to produce. Hm. They're saying, here you go, I'm investing some faith and interest in you. They're not even saying, good job, you really wrote a good book or something like that. They're saying, here you go, you seem to have potential to write something interesting. Potential only mah.

But remember (well, if you had known in the first place) that I grew up in English remedial class. Spending some time during the most formative years of my self-confidence in bloody english remedial... it put me in my place alright. Luckily, the teachers were very good. Anyone knows where's Mr Goon (yes his real name)? He's a riot. And luckily I also made good friends there, one of my best - incredible is the bind of collective boredom to young minds.

I'm not brandishing my embarrassing past like it's an excuse for my bad grammar and bad sentence structure. (At least, not this time.) It's an excuse for my excitement in being mentioned here and there. :)

I mean, I'm in a Press Release!
Last week, NAC finally released information on the Arts Creation Fund 2010. And got my name inside, leh. With the Millie Project. Even in my CPFable job, I come from the corner of organisations that only ever release announcements to internal staff only - on updates to policies blah blah. So being in a press release... hee hee. It feels funny.

And just before, also on the ACF and Millie, 8 Nov 10, For Art's Sake, Today Online betted that I'm "gonna go places" leh.

Am I being self-indulgent? Then again, can it be like how some people celebrate getting a job. Or it's how... somebody celebrates getting selected for the national team of some sports? Maybe? Celebrating having potential? Probably?

Well, it's perhaps at least good not to take it for granted. Or at least to remember to treasure the opportunity and work hard. Write a good book eh. And get mentioned for having made "more important things happen".

Then maybe Mr Goon would be proud of me. After all, he got me out of English remedial. But then again, maybe he'd be unimpressed. But most probably he'd be nice. He's a little like Kurt Vonnegut you know. That is, who I imagine Kurt Vonnegurt to be like with the Mr Goon I imagine to have been like. I wish I was older when I knew Mr Goon. Not the unappreciative daft kid in English remedial class. The best of teachers waste their personality on stupid kids.

There are a lots of other people, besides Mayo Martin (Today) and Mr Goon (my imagination), who'd bet that I'm gonna go places too, I know. I'm very very grateful for them too. In fact I even wrote a long article on how I'm grateful - but it's a bit too personal to publish on the www. This essay is also personal. But less. I'm forcing myself to reveal more about myself you know - I came across some writer's advice to writers to dare to use "I", dare to reveal details about myself. So I'm training myself to be daring like that.

What do you think? Does it make me sound more interesting?
Let me know, please, I don't want to embarrass myself

Vacillating between Insecurity and Aspiration

I just came back from the park where I went to read two Akutagawa short stories. I wonder how long it took for him to write them. But I suppose it also doesn't matter.

The latter of the two stories was about a writer. No, wait. Both stories were about writers. The first one was about the passing of Basho, the haiku master. The second one was about Bakin, or something like that, a fiction writer, who took 28 years to write a 3,000 page long story about a eight dogs.

I wonder how big each page was.

In between turning the pages, I was thinking of my own story, The Millie, that I started drafting, 2 days ago. How much can I finish writing in the 10 days that I am not working?

Goh Poh Seng said that he finished what was said to be "Singapore's first novel" in two weeks. either two weeks or ten days. I dont' know how that's possible. Although I am hoping to finish drafting my story in the same span of time.

I feel like I need to finish drafting it in at one go - so that it maintains a consistent tone of voice. That sounds stupid. I have been "writing" for several years now, and only at the brink of completing a novel, am I trying to develop and maintain a consistent tone of voice?
A bit too late, isn't it?

I hope not.

As I went to the park, I passed by a delegate from N-parks, or a delegate of a delegate of theirs, i.e. a worker for the subcontracter, most probably. He was in a flourescent green vest (which by the way, who was the one who decided they should all wear flourescent green vests anyway?) and talking to an ah-ma (old lady) who wore a cool pair of very dark sunglasses.

He was speaking to her, in hokkien, something about how working to maintain the park and keeping it in orde so that people can come here and feel happy, then they (his colleague and himself) would be satisfied.

I stole these words - as I nodded my head respectfully in their direction, as I would with some strangers - and kept it at a back pocket of my head so that I could ruminate upon them, as I am ruminating now.

Simple, it is, an aspiration of a gardener, who probably did not receive high-level education, and so humble that it might even seem noble. I recognise it as that.

How is it that as a writer, who writes in hopes of readers coming to read and feel entertained, or dare I say "happy" (?), I can feel so insecure about my aspiration?

Maybe the worker was trying to sound good. To impress the ah-ma? Maybe not.

I started drafting 2 days ago, and have vacillated about twice between thinking this is not good enough - nevermind, just do your best, ju-lyn - this is not good enough - nevermind, just try your best, ju-lyn...

Last week, I decided to go on a long leave from work, at the last minute, because the "exigencies of service" suddenly permitted me to go. Because of the suddenness, I also feel rather ill-prepared for this long retreat. A bit being caught unaware by myself.

Having only a limited number of leave / year, I am obliged or pressured to spend it wisely. Ration it properly. Roll-over as many days of entitlement as I can roll-over to next year.

I'm worried, that since I'm a little unprepared, that in suddenly taking these several days off now, I am not investing my "opportunity to take several days off" wisely.

Not being at work this monday, or tomorrow, or the day after, also makes me feel out of place. Insecure.

I take breaks between reading the pages of Akutagawa to look at the trees around me in the park. It was so peaceful that I could count the number of different bird-calls if I had wanted to.
At one point, my eyes focused on a butterfly resting on a leaf (?) of a branch of a tree some distance away from me.

Recalling a book I had read recently detailed how the uncle of the narrator would encouraged people to appreciate good moments in life, I thought to myself, "Well if this isn't nice, I don't know what is." The book is Timequake by Kurt Vonnegut. I read it in the park too.

If I'm insecured, like a butterly resting tenderly on a leaf, then the leaf would then be my story?

No wait, a butterfly could easily fly away. The analogy doesn't work.

Maybe if I wouldn't be so out of place if I had booked myself a ticket to bali or Bangkok, to live for two weeks with my friend. Like, I wouldn't be here around familiar surroundings to feel unfamiliar?

Or maybe I would feel even more out of place.

I would have to wash my own clothes, and maybe helped to mop the floor. Worse is if I wanted to refer to a book that I knew was on the shelf in my room, but I couldn't because my home is in Singapore and I would be in Bangkok.

So I'd just stay here, I guess. And try to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that threatens to swallow me. Maybe.

And try to enjoy the process, or something. Or at least appreciating the butterflies I notice. Or whatever.

This insecurity is mundane. I felt it too when I quit my job sometime back. I wrote a lot then. Some of the most inspired short short stories, I think. I felt it too, whenever I considered the plausiblity of my proposed plot for Millie. But I think this is not a good time to delve into other things to be insecured about.

Okay. I can do this. Or I shall die trying.

See. I vacillate.

Notice how I do it so skillfully? It's almost an art, I tell you.

I wrote another essay about the progress on the Millie project about two weeks ago. I feel it required editing, but I didn't have the time to edit it to my satisfaction.

The Millie Project - an introduction

It's a little belated, to announce the news only now, on how I've gotten National Arts Council (NAC)'s support with the Arts Creation Fund on the Millie Project.

Who? me?

Recently, I'm "Lee Ju-Lyn (who) writes about how the imagination transforms reality. She is influenced by surrealism, existentialism, and Eastern philosophies. Her quirky and humourous style were likened to those of Murakami Haruki, Tim Burton, and Edward Lear. At present, her favourite writers are Milan Kundera and Akutagawa Ryunosuke."

I formally work in (i.e. receive CPF from) a corner of the public service, which I like being a part of for the idea of "serving the people (老百姓)" and from which I constantly day-dream about quitting to have more time to write more and better stories (I'd recently wonder if this might be a better way for me to serve the people).

So it's great, both in terms of receiving recognition of my potential (there must have been some serious literary people who saw the potential in my proposal), having been largely a self-taught fiction writer, and the opportunity to write something for the people. In that, being both a NAC grant recipient and public servant, I know that this is public service and I need to give it my best shot.

Now that i've committed myself, I must then try to forget the crushing sense of responsibility, other than holding onto the conclusion "i've gotta give it my best shot". Otherwise, I'd be paralysed by the sense of responsibility and fear of failure.

So, who am I? I am a person who has been given the much appreciated opportunity to write something.

Write what? The Millie Project?

That's my working title for now. I have a few titles.

It is a novella. About a girl, or woman, named Millie. Millie dreams, lucidly; as in, she is conscious in her dreams. And she got to know a guy, tentatively named Kwang Boon, or KB for short. Or rather, KB got to meet M. And she tells him about her dreams. And he writes the book, about her and her dreams.

I know my summary doesn't sound sexy. yet. It will, i think. When it comes to the point in time to make the summary sound sexy, I will worry about it. But now I have bigger things to worry about.

When? Jul 10?

I pitched the proposal in around Mar 10 (NAC submission deadline). The news came in around Jul 10, that I got it. Felt a bit blur for a while. Dunno what to do for a while. Got the contract, signed it, okay. Better start studying for a while. And have been studying since.

I only have about 1 year to complete the manuscript, including editing. So, it's really only about half a year. Can't start thinking about the time-line now i'd go crazy.

Where? on the blog?

I wanted to start blogging (it's really a blog blog) about this to update the people who want to be updated, and I want to develop ideas.

I'd be writing less regularly on meekfreak (so as to shore up the ideas - putting a dam and having a reservoir of ideas) - and in a way, blogging about Millie Project will be assuring my regular readers and supporters - whom are more commonly subscribing through facebook and readers - that I've not let go of myself. And I've taken my appreciation of your support and encouragement and I'm working hard.

As to where is my story? It's in my head. The big ideas, and the small ideas. I won't put up drafts on the net. But maybe some research questions and general progression. For now. See how.

Permit me to digress - Sometimes i realise, it takes me 1 hour to write a story, and then maybe half a day if i want to explain my story. Sometimes the idea of the story is best understood as a story, and not explained - if it could have been communicated better by explaining, then people shld be reading the explanation more than the story. It's perplexing. It's like, I can describe how to I char kway teow-ed, but never can my description replace the char kway teow itself - and you trying to understand my char kway teow vs understanding my description of a char kway teow are entirely different processes of understanding char kway teow altogether. my focus and priority should always remain on the char kway teow. So that even if you aren't a expert food taster, you can discern that it's good. If not good, then i'd have failed.

The story is set in Singapore. Because unlike my earlier (prior to 2008) works, I'm more ready to admit that I'm writing from my perspective. Of course, the grand hope is for the story to be universal. It's not written for a tourist, but can be understood by one. It's not a documentary. It's just a story (refer to Elif Shafak). I agree largely with what Elif Shafak articulated about setting, so I shan't spend time repeating or explaining how i've adapted it.

I concluded that I'm writing this story for my friends and their friends. Maybe this conclusion should be under the "Who?" and "why?". But nevermind la.

Why? Why write this novella?

So why write this novella? I should have an idea in my head why this story, but it's not firmed up. can't discuss it for now. until i'm more confident of it.

If this is too dismissive, there's a bit of "why" under the "who" section. I beg your pardon.

How?

I don't know how yet. Must study hard. And write hard. work hard.

Maybe I'm going to coup myself up - like a hermit - retreat into my own mind - try not to go crazy - then come up with something. That's what I'm thinking of, tentatively. difficult to juggle committments. priorities.

With your support, of course. and kind encouragement.
And hard work - good old hard work.
And Luck. Everything needs good old hard luck.
Wish me some!

After-note

After articulating the summary of the project. I'm underwhelmed by it. And feel that the rough idea or gist is stupid sounding. I am going to wallow around in a pool of wavering self-confidence and try to conclude that alice in wonderland also has a stupid gist of a story. Even better, that all gists of stories are stupid. sigh.