Thanks to the wealth of encouragement especially those on this facebook thread (i've pdfed and printed it out and put it on my wall of writing encouragement next to NAC's email on the OK on my grant), I've somehow managed to finish my 1st draft.
Or it could be the fourth.
I put 3 sequences of little stories together (they ranged from about 10,000 to 30,000 words) and i dumped the first two "raws" (read third time lucky) and didn't have time to redo the 3rd sequence... so... I had to use it and then yeah. That's why maybe this is the 4th draft! (sounds better la.)
Surely now i have to go through with drafts 5,6,7,8 up to 30. but damn! I'm glad!
Alright, maybe it's just celebrating this small tiny accomplishment - i mean it's just a draft la.
But i'm high because i was racing for time and didn't think that i was going to finish it before my No Pay Leave (3 months) end. Now my last day of leave is tomorrow and going back to work on Friday, so I'm feeling damn lucky to have finished it in time!
Now I have 1 day to catch up on my sleep, eat, (i still shit regularly, no worries about that) and well, all the other things that i oughta be doing but haven't been doing. *blush*
Last week I was lying in bed - caffeine intoxication (coffee was not enjoyable for me anymore and i also had gastric pains last month), and my muscles lamed out (the lie in bed and cannot move type) - and thinking why the hell i have to torture myself like that - if i just work and watch tv everyday, i'd be richer and more relaxed and not so uptight and pleasant and likeable and go drinking with friends and worry about the ribbons in my hair. I was happier when i was like that in year 1 before all the people imagine..!
So i conclude (again) - that i'm irrational and unreasonable.
Therefore, I need these little irrational and unreasonable yays along the way.
Thanks again for your encouragement k! Really couldn't have done it without you.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Postmodern Trauma - So far so good?
A month into my thankful and appreciative "third-time lucky" post. I am perhaps half-way into my third new draft. Maybe i'm a little more than halfway, but the story keeps growing in my head and it gets longer and longer so maybe i'm a little less than halfway!
I have more or less put in some big pieces about the story of Millie - the real person, and now I'm working on/in the dream-world. Feeling like i'm getting lost in this world that's in Millie's head.
Something like this happened to me the last time I escaped to Xanadu (my 1 week writing retreat). I emerged from the hibernation feeling alienated from my real world and it took me a few days to get used to going back to my previous routine.
The current version of my story is... much more complicated than the first version. It is rich in symbolism and references. And it requires me to do a lot of research and learn things that i didn't know before. Surely what i'm learning and thinking will affect me fundamentally and chemically. I shouldn't be emerging from this cocoon to become who I used to be? I'm not insinuating that i'm going to be as graceful as a butterfly, but lots of things come out of cocoons. Like...cicadas.
Okay.
Now the challenge is time.
A dear and concerned friend consoled me, and told me to take a break, change my pace, that I shouldn't be made to feel like i need to churn it out like that. Sometimes I'm afraid of burning out too. But I am running out of time. 1 more month until the end of NPL. I've already asked for extension from NAC for my draft.
Even if I finish drafting, i don't know how am I going to finish editing in time.
haha.
My reply to my dear friend was with blind optimism - "can one, i can do this. I'm a product of this churning system so i can churn this out." somemore my book is about churning.
The only thing is, for me, it is difficult to write what I write when I don't have enough sleep - so I can't burn the midnight oil. Tsk.
Sometimes I imagine someone asking me "How do you come up with things like that?"
and I will be honest and reply, "because i'm crazy."
"Why did you want to write a book like this?"
"I can't explain it, my craziness compels me to do crazy things. Writing it all down is the least destructive thing I can do already."
And I haven't started with editing. Editing would be sure to drive me even more crazy - like adding fuel to fire. hahaha!
I have more or less put in some big pieces about the story of Millie - the real person, and now I'm working on/in the dream-world. Feeling like i'm getting lost in this world that's in Millie's head.
Something like this happened to me the last time I escaped to Xanadu (my 1 week writing retreat). I emerged from the hibernation feeling alienated from my real world and it took me a few days to get used to going back to my previous routine.
The current version of my story is... much more complicated than the first version. It is rich in symbolism and references. And it requires me to do a lot of research and learn things that i didn't know before. Surely what i'm learning and thinking will affect me fundamentally and chemically. I shouldn't be emerging from this cocoon to become who I used to be? I'm not insinuating that i'm going to be as graceful as a butterfly, but lots of things come out of cocoons. Like...cicadas.
Okay.
Now the challenge is time.
A dear and concerned friend consoled me, and told me to take a break, change my pace, that I shouldn't be made to feel like i need to churn it out like that. Sometimes I'm afraid of burning out too. But I am running out of time. 1 more month until the end of NPL. I've already asked for extension from NAC for my draft.
Even if I finish drafting, i don't know how am I going to finish editing in time.
haha.
My reply to my dear friend was with blind optimism - "can one, i can do this. I'm a product of this churning system so i can churn this out." somemore my book is about churning.
The only thing is, for me, it is difficult to write what I write when I don't have enough sleep - so I can't burn the midnight oil. Tsk.
Sometimes I imagine someone asking me "How do you come up with things like that?"
and I will be honest and reply, "because i'm crazy."
"Why did you want to write a book like this?"
"I can't explain it, my craziness compels me to do crazy things. Writing it all down is the least destructive thing I can do already."
And I haven't started with editing. Editing would be sure to drive me even more crazy - like adding fuel to fire. hahaha!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Pressing on: Third time lucky!
My facebook status says this: writing is writhing rewriting.
That's because i decided, yesterday, to re-write my 2nd draft. I wrote my first draft more than 3 mths ago. Word count, about 25k words. 2nd draft, so far, word count, 10k words. Now, restart. A 3rd draft. I'm back to 2k words.
Why?
I must be crazy. Even I think I'm crazy. Okay.
NAC people would be worried? Why? They might ask. Did you not plan properly?
I tried. so hard. I'd sob, remorsefully. Boohoo.
Just read Late Bloomers by Malcolm Gladwell in What the Dog Saw. He quoted Franklin Roger's description on Mark Twain's "trial-and-error method":
Okay.
Some people are like Mark Twain.
I only hope I won't take a decade.
In case I lose my mind, I would like to say Thanks to my family and Gary, who are my resident patrons, all my friends encouraging my writing, NAC, and even my organisation that for letting me go on No Pay Leave, for allowing me to exist in this bubble of clueless faith, for allowing the completion of one and half useless manuscripts for one and a half lousy novellas that will never ever get to meet the eyes of another person if I can help it.
I assure myself that the quality of writing is not measured by word count. It pains me more than anyone to waste 40k words worth of effort. But that heartbreak would be nothing compared to that if my next 30k words are... Touch wood!
I must press on. key by key. letter by letter. tick tock. Third time HENG! SOON! LUCKY! okay!
That's because i decided, yesterday, to re-write my 2nd draft. I wrote my first draft more than 3 mths ago. Word count, about 25k words. 2nd draft, so far, word count, 10k words. Now, restart. A 3rd draft. I'm back to 2k words.
Why?
I must be crazy. Even I think I'm crazy. Okay.
NAC people would be worried? Why? They might ask. Did you not plan properly?
I tried. so hard. I'd sob, remorsefully. Boohoo.
Just read Late Bloomers by Malcolm Gladwell in What the Dog Saw. He quoted Franklin Roger's description on Mark Twain's "trial-and-error method":
"His routine procedure seems to have been to start a novel with some structural plan which ordinarily soon proved defective, whereupon he would cast about for a new plot which would overcome the difficulty, rewrite what he had already written, and then push on until some new defect forced him to repeat the process once again."This is normal, this really is. Some people can write a story and have a day job and be wonderful at both. Some people are born with good grammar. Some people know what they're doing with their lives.
Twain fiddled and despaired and revised and gave up on Huckleberry Finn so many times that the book took him nearly a decade to complete.
Okay.
Some people are like Mark Twain.
I only hope I won't take a decade.
In case I lose my mind, I would like to say Thanks to my family and Gary, who are my resident patrons, all my friends encouraging my writing, NAC, and even my organisation that for letting me go on No Pay Leave, for allowing me to exist in this bubble of clueless faith, for allowing the completion of one and half useless manuscripts for one and a half lousy novellas that will never ever get to meet the eyes of another person if I can help it.
I assure myself that the quality of writing is not measured by word count. It pains me more than anyone to waste 40k words worth of effort. But that heartbreak would be nothing compared to that if my next 30k words are... Touch wood!
I must press on. key by key. letter by letter. tick tock. Third time HENG! SOON! LUCKY! okay!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Obliques
I am finally on the no-pay-leave from work. It lasts from 1 Apr to 30 Jun. During which i must finish my draft for millie. Ideally, it should have begun from March, to meet the timeline i previously set. This means, I've been waking up everyday feeling pressure. From the passing of time.
Just from the passing of time.
hm.
The problem with writing, is that there can't be too much stress. Too contrived - the work gets.
SO, I shall try to take it easy. and forget about the timeline.
That's partially why I haven't really been on the M project, but I have spent the last week, re-arranging (de-frag-ging) my thoughts and sentiments. Tried not to think about work. Tried to summarise what work was like for the past 2 years and what impact it had on me generally. And tried not to begin my sentences with a verb, and silent "I".
Also, wrote a lot of other things. I have this thing, this technique that i have to spend myself writing non-stop for days then my pen and thoughts - or my thoughts wld directly transfer to the written word - without going through my pre-frontal lobe? or the thoughts come from my pre-frontal lobe directly to my hand to put it out?
Oh whatever, I forget by anatomy and lobotomy.
It's just some secret technique that I use, that works for me and i'm proud of it, but maybe it's not v interesting to write about since i know it. would I forget it one day? haven't forgotten for 5 years. around. so it should continue to work - until i forget to practice it?
enough.
this should be enough to remind me of it anyway.
Summarising the effect of working for 2 years straight:
1) the invincible invisible pressure of completing things by datelines. Actually there's no datelines to life. I feel that i still need to accomplishing certain things by certain time. why? i dunno why.
2) opportunity cost? the neuron connection or learning that i need to unlearn is to measure opportunity costs by a quantifiable measure - or monetary costs. This is wrong. A taboo trade-off. It should not be measured. measures helps to communicate/translates the value of one thing, by approximating it into something else. a standard. It's not really the value of one thing at all. e.g. what's the value of a table? $100? No. that's a price perhaps. The value of the table is a relationship between user and the table. So, it depends on the user and the table.
What's the length of the table? 2 metres? No. the length of the table is actually how long it is. the value of the length is how much things you want to put on it. again, depends on the user, perhaps.
so, what's the cost of my no-pay-leave per day? $(gross monthly + employer CPF)/ days in a month? No. that's just daily wage. It's the value of things i would do if I were working (which includes earning daily wage and the things I could do with the daily wage)
But what's the opportunity cost of working/day? it's the value of the things I would do if I were not working?
I think maybe working is not the default state. The blank slate. The blank slate, or zero, is not doing anything. So, working was a 0+1. Not working returns me back to 0. writing is a +1 again. Doing what other people do is a +1. it's a choice exercised to plus that one.
What's my point? maybe I have no point.
Or my point is that i am changed, and worried about making choices and worried about money, and worried about not doing what other people are doing. Is it because i'm growing up? or i've learnt fear? like a babe learns to be afraid of being close to knives or cockroaches from how the adults reacts to knives and cockroaches. But maybe that's not due to work or NPL, but due to realisation that life is short and unpredictable (japan quake) and approaching 30.
But maybe I have no point.
3) I think in obliques. or the slash. In my head, i don't say or anymore. like, louis likes daisy, donald and or susan. with an awkward pause between and and or, to denote a mental slash. I attribute that to work emails. why do we do that at work emails? may people feel safer when they get more options. You may/can/will do this or that, please consult Ms A/ Ms B / Mr C for this/that. Something like this/that.
Maybe i feel better giving more options.
4) Mellow. I'm less excitable, more mellow. is that the right use of the word?
5) Health. I'm more concerned about my health nowadays.
this is getting boring.
Back to Millie project. though i said I haven't been on the project, I have been recuperating from work and then this morning/noon, i wrote a not bad portion. so thats' good. and the ideas from my writing the past week can also be incorporated into the book. I have the most interesting ideas when I'm not consciously thinking.
It comes from a mad side of my pre-frontal cortex. most probs.
Last night, though, i dreamt of going back to work to get something done. It's from a dunno what side of my brain most probs - that i've been trying to de-frag.
Just from the passing of time.
hm.
The problem with writing, is that there can't be too much stress. Too contrived - the work gets.
SO, I shall try to take it easy. and forget about the timeline.
That's partially why I haven't really been on the M project, but I have spent the last week, re-arranging (de-frag-ging) my thoughts and sentiments. Tried not to think about work. Tried to summarise what work was like for the past 2 years and what impact it had on me generally. And tried not to begin my sentences with a verb, and silent "I".
Also, wrote a lot of other things. I have this thing, this technique that i have to spend myself writing non-stop for days then my pen and thoughts - or my thoughts wld directly transfer to the written word - without going through my pre-frontal lobe? or the thoughts come from my pre-frontal lobe directly to my hand to put it out?
Oh whatever, I forget by anatomy and lobotomy.
It's just some secret technique that I use, that works for me and i'm proud of it, but maybe it's not v interesting to write about since i know it. would I forget it one day? haven't forgotten for 5 years. around. so it should continue to work - until i forget to practice it?
enough.
this should be enough to remind me of it anyway.
Summarising the effect of working for 2 years straight:
1) the invincible invisible pressure of completing things by datelines. Actually there's no datelines to life. I feel that i still need to accomplishing certain things by certain time. why? i dunno why.
2) opportunity cost? the neuron connection or learning that i need to unlearn is to measure opportunity costs by a quantifiable measure - or monetary costs. This is wrong. A taboo trade-off. It should not be measured. measures helps to communicate/translates the value of one thing, by approximating it into something else. a standard. It's not really the value of one thing at all. e.g. what's the value of a table? $100? No. that's a price perhaps. The value of the table is a relationship between user and the table. So, it depends on the user and the table.
What's the length of the table? 2 metres? No. the length of the table is actually how long it is. the value of the length is how much things you want to put on it. again, depends on the user, perhaps.
so, what's the cost of my no-pay-leave per day? $(gross monthly + employer CPF)/ days in a month? No. that's just daily wage. It's the value of things i would do if I were working (which includes earning daily wage and the things I could do with the daily wage)
But what's the opportunity cost of working/day? it's the value of the things I would do if I were not working?
I think maybe working is not the default state. The blank slate. The blank slate, or zero, is not doing anything. So, working was a 0+1. Not working returns me back to 0. writing is a +1 again. Doing what other people do is a +1. it's a choice exercised to plus that one.
What's my point? maybe I have no point.
Or my point is that i am changed, and worried about making choices and worried about money, and worried about not doing what other people are doing. Is it because i'm growing up? or i've learnt fear? like a babe learns to be afraid of being close to knives or cockroaches from how the adults reacts to knives and cockroaches. But maybe that's not due to work or NPL, but due to realisation that life is short and unpredictable (japan quake) and approaching 30.
But maybe I have no point.
3) I think in obliques. or the slash. In my head, i don't say or anymore. like, louis likes daisy, donald and or susan. with an awkward pause between and and or, to denote a mental slash. I attribute that to work emails. why do we do that at work emails? may people feel safer when they get more options. You may/can/will do this or that, please consult Ms A/ Ms B / Mr C for this/that. Something like this/that.
Maybe i feel better giving more options.
4) Mellow. I'm less excitable, more mellow. is that the right use of the word?
5) Health. I'm more concerned about my health nowadays.
this is getting boring.
Back to Millie project. though i said I haven't been on the project, I have been recuperating from work and then this morning/noon, i wrote a not bad portion. so thats' good. and the ideas from my writing the past week can also be incorporated into the book. I have the most interesting ideas when I'm not consciously thinking.
It comes from a mad side of my pre-frontal cortex. most probs.
Last night, though, i dreamt of going back to work to get something done. It's from a dunno what side of my brain most probs - that i've been trying to de-frag.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Mention in NAC Instep Magazine (Nov-Dec 10)
Millie and I - in NAC art creation fund article for their Instep magazine (Nov-Dec 10 issue).
Read it in full here.
Also, here's wishing you a happy lunar new year.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Progress update - 2 months
2 months since the last update?
Time flies, especially december time. But i no longer have a proper fix on the passing of time.
What have I done?
I've written an outline - did it in a flash - i think it's not very good now - boo - too contrived.
So I decided to let it lie down for a while and look for my voice. Read a lot as usual, and continued to write somewhere sometime later.
hm. my bits and pieces, drips and draps are more inspired, and they sound better. I like them more. But i can only produce 700 words of this inspired stuff per day. If i want to put together a novella of 35,000 words (aim to put in more words then can cut later, if need), then, I'd need to put togehter about 50 days. plus minus a bit here and there right. It's about 2 months.
Like I said, I no longer have a proper fix of time.
If I did, I'd know that the 700 words of this inspired stuff cannot be squeezed out like that. No point in measuring it like that.
Time flies, especially december time. But i no longer have a proper fix on the passing of time.
What have I done?
I've written an outline - did it in a flash - i think it's not very good now - boo - too contrived.
So I decided to let it lie down for a while and look for my voice. Read a lot as usual, and continued to write somewhere sometime later.
hm. my bits and pieces, drips and draps are more inspired, and they sound better. I like them more. But i can only produce 700 words of this inspired stuff per day. If i want to put together a novella of 35,000 words (aim to put in more words then can cut later, if need), then, I'd need to put togehter about 50 days. plus minus a bit here and there right. It's about 2 months.
Like I said, I no longer have a proper fix of time.
If I did, I'd know that the 700 words of this inspired stuff cannot be squeezed out like that. No point in measuring it like that.
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