It's been almost a year since i posted anything about my new book - Millie.
Maybe i shouldn't call it my new book - since it's not yet one. it's a new story. it's around 30,000 words. that's damn long by my standards.
If I had created a facebook account for Millie, the protagonist of my story, which i thought to do as a troublesome publicity stunt, my current relationship with her would reflect "it's complicated". then again, what isn't complicated nowadays?
I used to think that dying isn't so complicated. Maybe at this time last year, i didn't think that dying was so complicated. It was an abstract construct for me, and i thought i'm damn open-minded, and i can accept the idea of death. Like, i can imagine myself dead and being cool with being dead, man.
"die, then die lor."
but no, sorry, actually i'm just trying to be funny. if i'm dead i won't be around to be cool with anything anyway. and i'm not that shallow. Sometimes, I purposely make myself sound silly simply because i like to be ridiculous and say ridiculous things.
if you are familiar with my flash stories, you know that i have a tendency with ending them with characters dying. they are usually without frills. so and so died. and so, he died. or he drifted off to sleep and never woke up. or she lao sai until she died. she died of a toothache. things like that.
i put it matter-of-factly to point out that another death doesn't really matter to the universe and the earth continues to spin spin rotate roll around in space.
but to come straight, i did think that dying and death was quite complicated, but I just didn't think it's so complicated.
my grandmother, who is arguably my bestest best friend, died last year. I don't think i am really ready to write that down because frankly speaking i still can't quite accept that she's... like dead.
so before i think too much and backspace away the admission, i shall move on.
so, that's how i learnt that death is a damn lot more complicated. for example, in the past i wouldn't have problem to say so and so died. now i prefer to say so and so passed away. it's more gentle. and i need to be more gentle because i recognise that it's complicated and difficult for people to hear that their loved one... passed away.
If not for being occupied with Millie, i would have written a lot of stories about my grandmother's passing by now.
So, when my friends, Sharile and Shelley, asked me over lunch on Friday if i have a new book/story/project coming up after Millie, i replied, yes. But i didn't tell them then that i just want to write be a lot of grandmother stories. whether it becomes a book or just a bunch of self-centred nostalgic vain, flash fiction on my blog / facebook, i don't know yet. so that's my next projecy idea - something for people to read about my grandmother - and something for people who didn't have the good fortune to get close with their grandmothers to read. But that's the idea for my next project.
how is Millie coming along?
Millie... is a pretty complicated story. Actually it's so complicated that it's kind of a weird story. Whether it's weirder than anything else i've ever written, i don't know, 'cos i've written some pretty weird shit, you know. but, this is definitely the most complicated story i've ever written.
I went to the kabuki with gary and don last evening. and come to think about it, kabuki - a kind of japanese opera - is generally a theatrical display of pretty weird and ancient japanese shit. and the theatre was packed with audience. so i guess i feel encouraged. Weird shit also got people want to watch mah.
Plus, don said he's looking forward to reading my story because it'll be different from the ang moh existentialist shit. indeed, indeed. If anything, Millie is definitely Singaporean. Singaporean existentialist shit. Gary, who is my official patron, ever so encouraging and kind, said, it's not shit la. Gary's read the draft a lot so you know, maybe he knows better. ~_~
Well, I don't know if it's like ever going to be a piece of work that is beautiful like... say the sunrise at mount fuji or a sprig of cherry blossoms. that's akutagawa's kind of writing. I'm currently going through the grueling editing process with my editor, Janet, and you know, it's really hard work man. editing can feel like having food poisoning - you lao sai until nothing to lao already but cannot - you still must try to lao something out.
All in all, I've written and re-written the story i think more than 5 times - lost count - and the symbolism and meaning is folded double folded triple folded... Okay, imagine if you knead two pieces of plasticine together - red and blue - and then you will get the swirling swirling pattern - red in blue, or blue in red right? uh, then that's how my story looks like la.
it's easier to understand my story if you don't treat it like a traditional novel, but treat it more like a contemporary art show (i recommend The Singapore Show: Future Proof at Singapore Art Museum btw). Just that, for the story, the gallery is in your head, and you are the curator in charge of setting up the art pieces according to the materials and instructions in the story with your imagination, for yourself to be the audience.
So even if it's not the mount-fuji-kind-of-beautiful, Millie is at least interesting la. I think it's interesting like... a sink-hole, or like a deep-sea cave. Like, come on man, have you ever read Singaporean existentialist... Hey, you know, Gary is right after all, it's not shit man! Since it's singaporean, we should call it sai. Singaporean existentialist sai. And why should you be interested in reading that? It could be like why a lot of people want to watch kabuki and other weird shit out there - because it prompts you to think differently? and it makes you think of how life is complicated? and it reminds you of blah blah... that said, it's really up to you, you know. if you're open-minded and curious enough to read in between the swirling swirling lines - i can promise you that there's a lot of nifty ideas and concepts to uncover. so, like with everything else, it's interesting to the extent that you are interested in such things.
As i've told sharile and shelley, my dateline with NAC is in april. (if you don't know/forgot, they are providing me with some funding to subsidise and support the production of the completed manuscript for Millie.) I've extended it from last year maybe because my grandmother passed away and I was sad and sian. but more because Millie's just so complicated that i needed more time.
i don't get more money for the extension, so please don't worry about it, beloved tax-payers. in fact you're getting a better value for your money because version 5 is more better than version 1, 2, 3, 4. actually i could've fufilled my obligations at least three times liao you know - i could have just handed in version 2, 3, or 4. I just didn't 'cos i just wanted to give you better value. and just in case, when i say it's sai, i also didn't mean it literally ok. it doesn't mean that I don't take the project seriously. i'm just trying to be funny by being ridiculous again. but then again, if you're the type to pick on the words instead of reading in between the lines, then maybe you won't think it's funny. but hey hey, you're not the type, right?
To put it across straight forwardly: My new story, Millie, is coming along fine. It is about a woman named Millie and her dreams. It is targeted at open-minded folks who like to read in between the lines, so much so that it is actually about reading in between the lines. it invites the reader to think about that which is true and false. thank you for your concern and support.
Just one more month to go!
