I am finally on the no-pay-leave from work. It lasts from 1 Apr to 30 Jun. During which i must finish my draft for millie. Ideally, it should have begun from March, to meet the timeline i previously set. This means, I've been waking up everyday feeling pressure. From the passing of time.
Just from the passing of time.
hm.
The problem with writing, is that there can't be too much stress. Too contrived - the work gets.
SO, I shall try to take it easy. and forget about the timeline.
That's partially why I haven't really been on the M project, but I have spent the last week, re-arranging (de-frag-ging) my thoughts and sentiments. Tried not to think about work. Tried to summarise what work was like for the past 2 years and what impact it had on me generally. And tried not to begin my sentences with a verb, and silent "I".
Also, wrote a lot of other things. I have this thing, this technique that i have to spend myself writing non-stop for days then my pen and thoughts - or my thoughts wld directly transfer to the written word - without going through my pre-frontal lobe? or the thoughts come from my pre-frontal lobe directly to my hand to put it out?
Oh whatever, I forget by anatomy and lobotomy.
It's just some secret technique that I use, that works for me and i'm proud of it, but maybe it's not v interesting to write about since i know it. would I forget it one day? haven't forgotten for 5 years. around. so it should continue to work - until i forget to practice it?
enough.
this should be enough to remind me of it anyway.
Summarising the effect of working for 2 years straight:
1) the invincible invisible pressure of completing things by datelines. Actually there's no datelines to life. I feel that i still need to accomplishing certain things by certain time. why? i dunno why.
2) opportunity cost? the neuron connection or learning that i need to unlearn is to measure opportunity costs by a quantifiable measure - or monetary costs. This is wrong. A taboo trade-off. It should not be measured. measures helps to communicate/translates the value of one thing, by approximating it into something else. a standard. It's not really the value of one thing at all. e.g. what's the value of a table? $100? No. that's a price perhaps. The value of the table is a relationship between user and the table. So, it depends on the user and the table.
What's the length of the table? 2 metres? No. the length of the table is actually how long it is. the value of the length is how much things you want to put on it. again, depends on the user, perhaps.
so, what's the cost of my no-pay-leave per day? $(gross monthly + employer CPF)/ days in a month? No. that's just daily wage. It's the value of things i would do if I were working (which includes earning daily wage and the things I could do with the daily wage)
But what's the opportunity cost of working/day? it's the value of the things I would do if I were not working?
I think maybe working is not the default state. The blank slate. The blank slate, or zero, is not doing anything. So, working was a 0+1. Not working returns me back to 0. writing is a +1 again. Doing what other people do is a +1. it's a choice exercised to plus that one.
What's my point? maybe I have no point.
Or my point is that i am changed, and worried about making choices and worried about money, and worried about not doing what other people are doing. Is it because i'm growing up? or i've learnt fear? like a babe learns to be afraid of being close to knives or cockroaches from how the adults reacts to knives and cockroaches. But maybe that's not due to work or NPL, but due to realisation that life is short and unpredictable (japan quake) and approaching 30.
But maybe I have no point.
3) I think in obliques. or the slash. In my head, i don't say or anymore. like, louis likes daisy, donald and or susan. with an awkward pause between and and or, to denote a mental slash. I attribute that to work emails. why do we do that at work emails? may people feel safer when they get more options. You may/can/will do this or that, please consult Ms A/ Ms B / Mr C for this/that. Something like this/that.
Maybe i feel better giving more options.
4) Mellow. I'm less excitable, more mellow. is that the right use of the word?
5) Health. I'm more concerned about my health nowadays.
this is getting boring.
Back to Millie project. though i said I haven't been on the project, I have been recuperating from work and then this morning/noon, i wrote a not bad portion. so thats' good. and the ideas from my writing the past week can also be incorporated into the book. I have the most interesting ideas when I'm not consciously thinking.
It comes from a mad side of my pre-frontal cortex. most probs.
Last night, though, i dreamt of going back to work to get something done. It's from a dunno what side of my brain most probs - that i've been trying to de-frag.
